These Sweatpants Cannot Stand, Man

No grown man should be allowed to wear sweatpants in public, private, or in nightmares of the sane and reasonably fashionable.  There are other ways to ensure one will never have sex again – castration, moving back in with one’s parents, or death and subsequent cremation.

Of course, there are exceptions to every rule yet the ones related to watching an adult male stroll around like a fluttering figment out of an 80’s Jagger-Bowie video are limited:

  • If you are Sylvester Stallone in Rocky I-III.
  • If you are stranded in subzero temperatures with nothing but your shrinkage and Richard Simmons’ luggage.
  • If you are more than 400 pounds and cannot proceed beyond the threshold leading out of your mother’s basement and have sworn off all future interactions outside of World of Warcraft.
  • If you had a sense of humor and asked you be buried in them via last will and testament.
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